So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Randomize
