You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
did you mean anything you said last night? i just wnna know
no
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
