Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
