Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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