It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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