i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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