I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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