Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
I have grass duct taped all over my body
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
