Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
