lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
ttyl tear gas
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Randomize
