I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
