Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
