Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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