i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
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