She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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