Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
