i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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