What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
you missed a midterm to shack? WOW. How desperate are you?
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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