Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
