I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
