The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
