Got a toothbrush?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
