He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
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