he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Randomize
