dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I checked into jail on foursquare
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Randomize
