foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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