When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
