so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
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