i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
idk what id do withouhrh yoy btro
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
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