It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
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Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
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I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
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