So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Please come over, I'm slowly melting into a ball of sexual frustration. If I'm not dead by the end of the day be very surprised.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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