im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Randomize
