People with herpes should wear stickers.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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