When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
