I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
