I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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