I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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