so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
