I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
Randomize
