You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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