Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Randomize
