We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It must have been good head...he put down the Xbox controller
I just gargled with NyQuil
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
