turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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