We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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