having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
