I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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