you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
