I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
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he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
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My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
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