I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
