she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
Randomize
