Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Randomize
