Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
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