Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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