She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
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