Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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