i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
