Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
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Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
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