By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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