Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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