yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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